*Disclaimer – This post if purely for fun. The author is not seriously suggesting you do any of the following (except maybe number 10). (Does my bum look legally covered from where you are?)

I put up a post recently looking at 10 skills which would help you in a real SHTF situation, but today I decided to give you a more light-hearted look at these situations – hey I warned you it would be coming!

If zombies attack, do you have any of these skills to get you through it?

1. Brew your own – the skill of brewing your own wine or beer is an essential step in dealing with SHTF situations. Is this a skill you currently have? If not, you better get right on that, lets face it – who wants to face zombies sober?

2. Casing out Getting to know your local neighbourhood – knowing which houses nearby are worth visiting and helping unload some of their precious goodies can make all the difference in an otherwise uncomfortable situation. Why should you suffer if someone else can offer you an easy way to alleviate your discomfort? Don’t think of it as stealing, you are merely encouraging and helping them to be extremely community spirited.

3. Being able to make a meal out of roadkill and bashed tins with no label – A vital skill to have – you don’t know what’s in the tins but its certainly worth a look and being able to make a goulash or similar with that and squished badger or mangled hedgehog, could save you and your family from total starvation.

4. Fire starting – mastering the art of lighting farts as a way of fire starting on a large scale. This is all too often overlooked by the so called ‘professionals’ – either that or a well-kept trade secret, but if you don’t have dry twigs or cotton wool, this skill could be your only option. Time for some out the box thinking.

5. Making our own clothes from curtains – obviously spare ones, not the ones actually covering your windows: 1. you don’t want the zombies being able to see you and eat you and 2. you don’t want anyone, including zombies, seeing you wearing your curtains.

6. Medical supplies – the pharmacy will not be open and the hospitals will be swamped so being able to make medical supplies out of chicken bones and dock leaves is another vital skill not to be overlooked.

7. Weapons making – vital for protection in a zombie apocalypse. Glue brambles to a branch and you have a very sharp weapon which no zombie would want to touch and will give them a nasty gash if you manage to hit them without being eaten. Water balloons come in very handy here – just fill them with everything toxic you have in your house and hurl at the approaching un-dead hordes, hopefully you’ll get some in their eyes.

8. Stock up on marshmallows. These small squishy wonders can be used for a multitude of purposes such as:

• Lick and stick them together to form warm, comfortable and edible clothing. Imagine that cosy jumper with the added bonus of a sweet mallow aroma.
• Stuff a duvet or pillows with marvellous mallows and you have a luxurious bedding set which will not only be comfortable but will trap in air, thereby keeping you snug all night.

9. When you get the opportunity, stock up on snow – a couple of small tubs in the freezer should do it. When the zombies attack, grab a handful of the snow and make into a snowball. Hurl said snowball at any approaching zombie and the effect is 2-fold:
1 – The brain freeze will be enough to stop any zombie in their tracks for up to an hour, thereby giving you time to escape
2 – This one only works when it is summer – The level of confusion caused by being hit by a snowball on a hot, sunny day, can cause swelling of a zombie brain so severe, it can explode their head clean off: take precautions and stand well back.

10. Use this time, when the zombies are not attacking to stock up on zombie movies, watch them and make notes. If anyone asks, you are not being lazy, you are doing vital, life-saving research. Now go get some popcorn and get ready to do your homework.

Image by ahmadreza heidaripoor from Pixabay