The problem with replacing a toilet seat is………

Before I show you what I’ve been struggling with for the past 5 days, allow me to give a quick background – bear with me, it will be worth it!

Just before Christmas, I told Hubby I wanted to changed the toilet seat – the one we had was a wooden sort of thing and we’d had it a long time. It wasn’t looking at it’s best and I really liked the idea of getting one with a sea theme. That might sound strange to you but that’s what my heart was set on.

The kind of thing I was looking for couldn’t be found locally (of course) and online it was looking like a range of about £35+ which to be honest, was more than I wanted to spend. On the other hand, I didn’t want a cheap white plastic thing or a ‘wood effect’ type either. Hubby gave the fantastic advice of ‘wait till after Christmas’, with the sales in mind. I waited and then, as luck would have it, I saw the EXACT seat I had planned. And it was free.

Yes, free. A lovely lady was advertising one for free on our local Freecycle site. I know what you’re thinking, ‘ew, a second-hand toilet seat’? Yes, and it’s not the first time I’ve done it.

I went to collect it last Friday (it was in Inverness), and let me tell you, this thing is substantial. It’s one of the older designs, when they didn’t mind making things to last. The lady giving it away had cleaned it to within an inch of it’s life! She had updated her bathroom and this no longer suited the room, so she very kindly gave it to me.

Let the battle commence. If you’ve never replaced an old toilet seat, you might not know what I mean by that. Well, after reading this, go and check your loo. Look under the bowl to see how your toilet seat is actually connected to the toilet – I dare you. These days, most are done using plastic attachments, and for a very good reason.

Our old one was not attached with plastic but metal attachments. Now add some rust, building up over time and you might start to get an idea. I had to unscrew the nut from underneath which would, in turn, release the bolt holding the ancient seat in place. Easy right? Well one side was. A little squirt of the old WD40 and that baby came right off. Phew. Now for the other side.

Now, I don’t know where you live, but I’m pretty sure, at some point from last Friday to Tuesday night, you would have said, “What’s that weird noise?”. That would have been me. I’m convinced that no matter where you are in the world, you would have heard me as I battled with the second nut/bolt/rust combination. Oh and did I mention it was on the window side so I only had enough room for an Oompa-Loompa to fit in.

Here is an aerial shot of the battle-site:

Note the tools. The many many tools. They are quite ancient too, and no, I don’t know why 3 empty loo rolls made it into the picture either – guess my priorities were elsewhere and as I am the only one in the house with the magical ability of being able to transport them from there to downstairs, they had to wait their turn.

You will see the one piece to be tackled in this close up (brave thing to share with the world, I know):

Please note the slightly lifted parts. Well there is a story about that. You see, I was doing what EVERYONE on the internet said to do, “Cover the area with WD40, let it sink in then unscrew the nut from underneath”. Didn’t work. I sprayed it again, I used a 3-in-1 oil, I put the hairdryer on it, I tapped it with a hammer (being careful not to tap the loo of course) – all of these are the standard ways of tackling a stuck nut. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d be writing.

In short, I tried EVERYTHING and I couldn’t get it to budge.

Tools downed, well thrown actually, I headed to our local Screwfix shop. I knew from my research that the next thing was hacksaw or some cutting tool which I wasn’t going to use because I didn’t fancy breaking the whole toilet. Problem was, I’d tried the hacksaw and my blade was rusty. (euphemism central round here today).

I explained to the nice man at the counter, my toilet troubles and he tried to come up with some solutions. Problem was, he was explaining how to deal with a normal toilet, which we clearly didn’t have. Now, as luck would have it, I had the other side which I’d managed to remove, in the back of the car so I was able to show him what I was dealing with. He agreed it was a major problem. He also came up with a new way of tackling said problem – go in from the top, not from underneath.

He managed to wrestle the top cover off and said if I managed to do that (minus the metal cutting tool he used, mind you), I could probably get the bolt out that way. I went home and tried it but quickly found there is a HUGE difference between having the part in your hand, in a store with the correct tools, and trying to get your craft pliers in a space suitable only for dust particles.

Hacksaw. Rusty or not, I had to try something so I decided I would saw a split into the top and try to prise it off that way.

This should give you an idea of what I was trying to achieve. Slowly – and I mean slowly, I managed to saw through and eventually, lift up part of the edge, bit by bit. After a couple of lifetimes, the impossible happened:

The cover came off the top, revealing what was holding the bolt in place. All I had to do now, was find a way to widen the gap so I could free the rusty bolt. Rusty hacksaw to the rescue.

If you look closely (and I know it’s gross, I’m sorry), but you’ll see where I managed to saw through the metal. I thought prising that part up would be easy but of course, it wasn’t. I did have sponges all around it so I wouldn’t be pushing against the bare toilet bowl, which I no longer wanted to smash because I was finally making progress.

Then, it happened…I managed to prise it open using pliers and prayer.

It was so rusty and gross, the bolt didn’t even have the decency to fall to the floor. So I happily pushed it and got to cleaning. Here’s the offender in close up (WARNING: This is the worst picture so if you are of weak stomach, scroll past really quickly to the last bit!).

I can’t tell you how happy I was about getting this out.

I got to cleaning and got the new toilet seat ready. Why does nobody ever explain how hard it can be to get those things on so not only is it straight/even and so on but the bolts are situated in the middle of the holes and not strained on the edge, cutting into the bowl?

Can you tell I struggled a bit with this part of the process too? But I was so close to success I couldn’t stop now.

So, if you have made it this far into this post, if you have stuck with me through my toilet troubles, I give you thanks. And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, my new toilet seat: