15 Things I’ve Learned as a Middle Aged Woman (mild rant alert)

If you wear jogging bottoms with a tie string at the waist, around the house, don’t tie the string. You’ll be busy, so you will ignore the first sign you need a pee. You’ll ignore the second sign you need a pee. You’ll ignore…..lets face it by the time you actually head in the direction of the bathroom, you are shouting, “make way” and frantically trying to untie those waist strings of doom – and if you don’t time it right, you’re just going to pee yourself halfway up the stairs – and it will be everybody else’s fault.

You are never angry at something. It’s your hormones, you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re constipated, your underwear is too tight or you’ve just peed yourself running up the stairs heading to the bathroom – and you were telling them to ‘make way’, and they didn’t.

Your patience has increased while your tolerance has decreased. I will plant bulbs in November and wait, quite happily till March or April (even May) to see what happens. I will plant my garlic bulbs in October and wait, excitedly till the following July before I get to harvest them. However, tell me what offends you today? I don’t care. Can’t decide what gender you are today? Not interested.

I can’t take any more advice. I’m going to be 50 next year (2024). I am so sick of people telling me what to think, what to say, what to wear, what to eat, what not to eat, who to support, what to watch, who to agree with, who to believe, what flag to fly and what medication to take. That last one came about after I put in a repeat prescription for myself recently and what I got back was the medicinal equivalent of a lucky bag.

Everybody you are told to put your trust in, is a big fat stinky liar. I’m talking politicians, teachers, health care “professionals”, scientists, historians, newsreaders, radio and TV presenters, police, managers of any department anywhere and bosses – of any job you’ll ever have.

Don’t give advice too readily. For example don’t advise me about menopause if you haven’t reached 40 or are male – you don’t know what you’re talking about!

If I wouldn’t ask you for your advice, I won’t be paying any attention to your opinion.

If I’m standing in front of the reduction section in the supermarket, do not lean over in front of me to pick up the large pack of reduced chicken, without so much as an excuse me. I will take you down.

If the kitchen looks like its just experienced a terrorist attack, and my head is still in the washing machine, don’t ask me “whats for dinner”?

Odours, which previously were instantly identified as ‘dog farts’, can no longer be so easily categorised.

I know shouting at the radio/screen won’t make them hear me but it makes me feel better.

As the world descends in an even quicker downward spiral to hell, I am able to see political patterns, join dots and see the bigger picture and the social engineering, clearer and quicker than I have ever been able to before. I just wish more people around me were able to do the same.

I no longer care if I offend anyone. What does that mean anyway? We live in a world where we are expected to believe feelings over-ride rights. Well, I say bollocks to it. Your have the right to be offended – and I have the right to offend. Either way, nothing happens, nobody dies – the world keeps turning. I think a better way of putting it is: I wish people would turn off their TV, disengage from social media and just grow up. The neurolinguistic programming has to be deactivated.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned as a middle aged woman? I’m OK. I’m nowhere near perfect but I’m not as bad/fat/ugly/stupid or incapable as I thought I was.