I caught myself doing something today and wanted to share it to help you be more kind to yourself.

Like most people, I’ve always struggled with self criticism. So it might seem a bit of a contradiction that my latest podcast episode was about dealing with negativity but I think it’s because of this episode that I actually caught myself being negative – about myself.

For years I wanted to do YouTube videos and I started tentatively – dog videos, local fairs, the sort of thing where I didn’t need to show myself. I was that self-conscious and I didn’t really have a clear direction for the channel.

Since turning 50 this year however, I’ve had a bit of a mental shift. I have genuinely felt my attitude turn more towards the ‘not caring what others think’. It doesn’t happen 100% of the time and doesn’t manifest perfectly but it is there. I no longer worry if people don’t like my clothes, think I’m weird or have labelled me a ‘bitch’ without taking the time to get to know me.

This year I decided to take the plunge and make videos about my passion – gardening – and be in them. I’ll admit it was weird at first, just like it was when I started the podcast and had to get over the ‘do I sound like that?’

This has meant spending time learning how to edit, create titles and thumbnails and so on – all the usual YouTube sorts of things and it’s an ongoing process. Today I was editing my latest video. I’d been on the allotment with Dearest Son on Sunday and hadn’t felt well on Monday so when I woke up early today, I thought I’ll do the editing first thing.

It starts with me in my kitchen and I’m talking about a couple of things that were coming to mind. So what were my thoughts when I saw this – and I’m talking my immediate, automatic thoughts that just railed through my brain without me having time to catch hold of them?

• Look at the state of you
• My God, you’ve got fat
• You need to tidy that kitchen up
• Sort your hair
• Go on a diet
• Who do you think you are?
• blah blah blah

INSTANTLY.

In fact there was so much criticism I think that’s why my attention was drawn to it. I remember actually thinking a big loud ‘STOP’ in my head. Stop giving her such a hard time, just stop it.

So she isn’t a size 10 anymore. She isn’t the same person who spent 2 hours a day in the gym because she had nothing else to do. Now she looks after 2 other human beings and spends time growing as much healthy organic food for them as possible. She is well aware of the weight and doesn’t need anyone dumping on her because of it – she is doing her bloody best. By the time she has looked after everyone else and done as much as she can round the house, she is done for the day.

Forgive her for not being in the 5am club and running 5 miles on the treadmill before everyone else gets up: she doesn’t sleep through the night anymore. In fact, her husband wakes her several times a night.

Forgive her for not wearing the best looking clothes. The family budget is tight at the moment and if she does buy herself ‘new’ clothes they are all second-hand.

Forgive her for not having a perfect Instagram house. They are fake anyway – she is trying to get the place more organised. That takes time and effort, both of which are in short supply some days.

In short:

She isn’t perfect? Forgive her. She is doing her best.

We are all doing our best.

So if you have realised you are doing the same sort of negative self talk, if you are constantly being your own worst critic, I just wanted to encourage you to stop and do one thing instead:

Forgive yourself.